Love actually

Why did I add this video? There's something in the guy's position there that is poignant for me at the moment. I'm still struggling with feelings for a male friend who I've liked for some time. We're friends proper now. But in some way that makes it harder. I can't see him changing his mind, his heart any time soon. I could be wrong, but I need to protect myself.

Thing is, I can't say I love him. I'm too scared to voice that. Too unsure - maybe I don't. But it's more than just a crush: I like him, respect him, admire him. Yet I just can't say it.

"People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is."
Dr. Foreman (House)

I've been thinking about love a lot recently. What's new, eh? Guys are always on my mind. But it struck me about a week ago that I'm scared of love. And the commitment it requires - I'm not sure I have it in me. Sure, I get carried away in my mind when I meet a guy I like (even if he doesn't reciprocate), and even manage to convince myself I'm in 'love' with them, but in actuality... If I look at the guys I've actually been out with (let's say more than one date means 'been out with'), then 95% of them have been either unsuitable or incapable of sustaining a relationship. With me, anyway.

I'm haunted by the word 'husband'. It defines and rules my life at the moment. And I no longer want it to. I want to be in the position to say I am happy being who I am, and at the moment who I am is a single person. I want to be able to say - and mean it - that I would love to be in a relationship with a guy, but if that's not to be, then so be it, my life will still be fulfilling.

I don't want to be that woman who is sure that God said a particular guy was 'the one', who 'knows' for sure and ignores all other opportunities that come up, even when 'the one' is dating another, gets engaged and married. I don't want to pin my life and hopes on one guy and be wrong.

Yet I no longer want to be as fickle as I am now, jumping for any opportunity, worried that if I don't take it I'll miss the boat.

Love - just the word brings up a whole load of contradictory feelings and fears. Fear of spending my life alone - and being lonely with it, because you can be alone but not lonely. Fear of making a mistake and ending up with the wrong guy. Fear of losing my life, my 'me' becoming consumed into 'us', no longer being 'me', but being 'so & so's wife' or 'someone's mum'. Fear or being a bad wife or marrying a bad husband. Fear of being a bad mum or hating my kids. Fear of being not good enough - being the good time girl, but not the one to take home to meet the family. Fear of being the eternal 'friend'. Fear of how I'll cope if I'm on my own. And fear of how I'll cope if I'm not.

But...

Perfect love casts out fear.
1 John 4:18

God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7

The first step... believe these, and believe that

God is love.