Gift from the sea

"We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror at its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanence on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom in the sense that dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting as it is now."

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

Linkage

Sarah has a lovely post about gifts. She's made a beautiful video - about 10 mins - which I urge you to watch.

Barbara had (I think she's just deleted it) a thought-provoking post about Heath Ledger and how we deal with the death of celebrities. Especially when there's a 'scandal' surrounding their death (or life). She was responding to a comment where someone made a tasteless joke about his death because of his role in Brokeback Mountain, and what that implied about him. Some people (the person who commented) just need to get a life.

Erin has had a couple of interesting posts about women and how we're often shoe-horned into boxes and become grey shadows of ourselves in order to become 'proper Christian women'. The two posts are 'Harlots, Heretics and Hussies' and 'Chili All Over the Kitchen'.

Barry has an interesting post about a similar issue: being a 'proper' Christian man. I'll admit, I didn't realise Christian guys had similar pressures to deal with as us women. We are the same species after all!

A lot of other people have been writing lots, but these are just a few nuggets that struck me today. Enjoy!

No compromise

I don't believe we should compromise in order to keep relationships. OK, let me clarify that: I don't think we should compromise OURSELVES in order to keep relationships.

Yes, I know. Pot, kettle and black spring to mind. But I'm determined to not be that woman any more.

What I mean is compromises along the lines of:

• Sleep with someone in order to keep them.
• Move in with them because they're not prepared to marry, in order to keep them.
• Go for a non-Christian (or whatever faith you hold) because despite wanting a strong, faith-led husband, there aren't any around you'd consider, but would rather be married.
• Give up on their other activities or faith in order to appease a partner who doesn't want them to be that way, in order to keep them.
  

I feel sad when I see friends drop, one by one, away from their faith because of a guy. Because it's usually us women who compromise in order to keep a man. Because we have less time, if we want children; have less choice in churches; and want to please more than perhaps a man does.

I don't want to compromise any more. I pray I will have the strength never to do so again.

Dreamer

I'm a big dreamer. Both nighttime and daytime. I've got used to the fact that I have lucid dreams when I have PMS. But I'm starting to have more lucid dreams whatever point of my cycle I'm in. This week there have been a couple of very lucid ones - you know, the type when you wake up either hoping it has happened. Or terrified it might have.

Wednesday evening I was reading various blogs about breastfeeding (nothing sinister, they just happened to be the themes of the blogs I was reading), so obviously dreamt about that. Only, I'd had a baby girl (called Grace) and I was being shown how to feed her whilst wearing a sari (I guess because the post I'd been reading was from an Indian woman, plus there's the whole 'do I go back to India' thing looming on my mind again). That was the wake up and be thankful there's no baby dream.

Friday night I dreamt about a guy I like(d) (for those of you who've been following me for a while, CB are the initials). Anyway, I'd thought I was over him. Well, OK, I know I've not got rid completely of the feelings - I like him, we're good 'friends' (on his terms) and spend a significant amount of time together - but didn't realise that after talking about him at work on Friday (relating to the whole him giving me guitar lessons issue) he was going to pop up in my dreams. And hold my hand. And kiss me. In my dreams. That was a 'darn it, that DIDN'T happen?' dream. And then he rang yesterday! I do hate it when he does that. He used to pop up online when I thought I was over him. And he never rings for 'nice' stuff (I told him off about that) - just to ask me to do something for him. That said, I'm not as obsessed about him as I was. And that's a very good thing.

How many?

I have 56 feeds in Bloglines at the moment? Is that a little excessive? Thing is, I stumbled upon the site Global Voices Online (can't remember how now), and there are many, many, many different voices out there.

Now I remember! It was somehow through the blog Baghdad Burning, which was made into a book and I was reading over Christmas.

Makes my life and my world seem to very small. And uncomplicated. Makes me wonder why I make so much of a fuss about stuff.

5 smooth stones

"Then David took his shepherd's staff, selected five smooth stones from the brook, and put them in the pocket of his shepherd's pack, and with his sling in his hand approached Goliath."
1 Samuel 17:40 (The Message)

David comes across as fearless. Almost cocky and arrogant. But with an arrogance based on his faith in God.

"Come on," said Goliath. "I'll make roadkill of you for the buzzards. I'll turn you into a tasty morsel for the field mice."

David answered, "You come at me with sword and spear and battle-ax. I come at you in the name of God-of-the-Angel-Armies, the God of Israel's troops, whom you curse and mock. This very day God is handing you over to me. I'm about to kill you, cut off your head, and serve up your body and the bodies of your Philistine buddies to the crows and coyotes. The whole earth will know that there's an extraordinary God in Israel. And everyone gathered here will learn that God doesn't save by means of sword or spear. The battle belongs to God—he's handing you to us on a platter!" (vs. 44-47)

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. Fear can paralyse us. Literally, but spiritually, emotionally, relationally. It can stop us moving.

• My fear of being alone stops me from doing things that might satisfy me WITHOUT a partner.
• My fear of being not good enough keeps me from striving for more in my job. Or striving for another job.
• My fear stops me from travelling on my own, experiencing new things.
• My fear of rejection stops me telling people how I really feel.

I'm leading a meditate worship session this weekend. Thinking about fear. Thinking about the fact that we have God Almighty behind us.

David leant down and selected 5 smooth stones. And one of those stones killed dead the fear that had been terrorising Israelites. Just one. Because David had faith in God.

Was he scared? We don't know. But fear is not bad. Fear stops us being reckless. But we have to move despite our fear. Because "God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control." (2 Timothy 1:7) God wants us to step out of the boat, onto the water. But when He calls. Not because we think we can.

I'm looking at the possibility of going to work in India later this year, for a few months. If it's the right thing. I shall submit my application over the weekend.

Now THAT'S scary!

Didn't get the job

Good CV. Good application, but they did a fair interview process, and I'm rubbish at interviews. And the other guy is a lot cockier!

So, that's another door pushed at that didn't open. More doors to shove: Something else on the boil at the moment. will keep you posted.

The pain of the loss of God

“I feel just that terrible pain of loss, of God not wanting me, of God not being God, of God not really existing.”
Mother Teresa in letters published in 2007.

“I am not unhappy about the fact that there might not be a God,” he says. “I don’t feel that my life has a big, gaping hole in it. In some ways I feel more human than I ever have. There is more reality in my existence than when I was full-on as a believer. It is a completely different world to the one I inhabited for 37 years, so there are feelings of unfamiliarity.”
Olympic Gold Medalist and former committed Christian Jonathan Edwards on his loss of faith.

We all struggle with our faith from time to time. I know I do. But is it because we want to feel something, feel sure about something? We're emotional beings, so feelings are important to us. But with God is more than emotions. He's bigger than our feelings.

But it's normal to question. If we stop questioning, we stop seeking and we move further and further away from God.

An interesting article from Boundless - Absent God - looks at this.

Domestic goddess in training

I get a fruit and veg box every week now. From Abel & Cole. It's good value. And it's got me interested in cooking and baking. It's introducing me to some interesting new vegetables and fruit, and I'm finding some new recipes.

Which I will share on my new blog Domestic goddess in training

A "chain of pain."

But perception creates reality, and false perceptions can turn into truth by way of self-fulfilling prophecies.

It's not right, of course, but it is inherently human... We get hurt and the first reaction is to lash out and hurt those who hurt us. When they're unavailable the urge is sometimes there to hurt others whom we feel are representative of those who did hurt us... hurt them and by proxy you hurt those who hurt you. It's quite flawed logic, but when one is hurt and/or angry, sound logic seldom gets paid attention to. And thus we end up with the "chain of pain."

I won't deny that there are some folks out there who probably do legitimately deserve the shit that gets piled on them. And on the occasions when I come into contact with such people there is that part of me that would love nothing more than to give such people just what they have coming to them... But if I give them that, it just means it's going to go right back into the chain of pain... and while dishing said shit out might not put me in the chain, I would certainly be contributing to it. And in the end, you have to ask yourself, is it really worth it?

Pieces of Perplexio π

I read this today. I don't think there's much more to say to this. We all do it. I know I do. There are times when I get all resentful and want to take it out on someone. Anyone.

Stepping over Our Wounds
Sometimes we have to "step over" our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation is to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we become the "offended one," "the forgotten one," or the "discarded one." Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they come from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.
Henri Nouwen

Holiday plans

I turn 31 this year. I've never been on holiday on my own. I've travelled on my own, but usually to visit friends. Never just me, solo.

I'm thinking about going away for 2 weeks over my birthday. Last year I turned 30 with my parents. That wasn't the most exciting thing to do. But I did have a big party when I got back to London.

I've sat down this evening and made a plan, using the very helpful The Man in Seat Sixty-One website. I thought I'd like to go and visit Transylvania. According to Mr Seat 61, to do that I have to go via Cologne (where I happen to have a friend live), Vienna (where I've been before - briefly - and also happen to have a friend like). So I though I could also brave a day in Bucharest on the way and one in Budapest on the way back. Seeing as I have to change in Brussels as well (been twice), I could either add a day there and add that to my list of places visited in one trip: Cologne, Vienna, Bucharest, Brasov (and area) and Budapest. I could go via Paris (never been), but that seems to be pricier, and if I wanted to come back via Paris, even more. I'm not made of money.

Of course, I could scrap the whole idea and go to Cambodia to visit my friend living there. Or to Azerbaijan. Or Canada (more friends) - and maybe do the Rocky Mountain railway (not sure if I have enough money for that, though).

Interview

I have a job interview on Wednesday. I have to do some prep. If you're able, could you let me know what's important to you when you plan a holiday? You can email me at: calia7777@gmail.com, or post a comment.

Thank you, and I'll keep you updated on how things progress.

What's the hurry, dear?

I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.
1 Cor 7:8-9 (The Message)

I have issues with these 2 verses. They make me want to go back in time, grab Paul and drop him in the 21st century and yell at him: "You find me a husband, then!" Because it's not that simple. As one who regularly 'burns in lust' (and if you've followed my previous blogs you'll know bits and pieces of my history that attest to this), I'm fully aware of the tortured life of a single (sometimes I love the way The Message gets to the nub of things so succinctly!). And I'm VERY aware of how it is not that simple to rectify.

However, I've been thinking a little more on this recently. Because I'd forgotten verse 8, pointing this very firmly at singles, I'd got along a line of thinking of better to get married quickly than burn with lust waiting out an engagement. You can always tell the Christian couples who've not had sex before married. They're usually married within 6 months (sometimes less) of announcing their engagement. And the ones who are sleeping together. I know of someone who got engaged October/November last year. And they're not getting married until 2009. They are, however, moving in together this year. Much to the consternation of a few of the more pious of our congregation. Oh, I love a scandal. Particularly one that I'm not the cause of!

You have what we're looking for

"Dear Joanna,
I found your details on Monster and I would be very interested in speaking with you further. You have great experience and your CV is very well put together.
I am currently recruiting a role, which I feel you may be interested. It would be good to speak with you ASAP, please give me a call."

I spent 2 hours Monday night working on my CV for an internal job application, and thought, why not put it out there, see what happens. I did that last night. And got this email this morning.

So I called. It sounds like an interesting job. It would certainly be a step up from me. I'm a bit bored in my current job. I've been doing it for 3 years, and only the last 9 months have been relatively enjoyable. But there's not much in the way of progression. And a lot of changes coming up, which leave my job role a bit up in the air. So I'm keeping an eye out for something else. But I've thought I'm a bit stuck with the type of role I have. Not much like it out there. But maybe I'm being too negative.

Anyway, I'm going to push those doors and see what happens. If you don't try you won't fail. But you also may never succeed.

OK, I get the hint!

The Gift of Friendship

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.
Henri Nouwen

The children issue

I seem to gravitate towards children and parents. I'm not sure why that is - maybe it's 'cos I'm getting older and more peers are parents. Maybe it's the places I'm going. Though I'm sure it's not that. I was at a gathering this afternoon and the majority of the people there were adults; single adults. But I found myself having the more in-depth conversations at the gathering (gathering 'cos it wasn't really a party) with the parents of 2 very cute little girls. Admittedly we have a shared attendance of a course in common, but I seem to spend a lot of time talking about children at the moment. And this is me who says she doesn't want any.

Though the 4-year-old today plonked herself on the sofa next to me and said: "I've got to go now" just before they left. And I'd only met them today. She was even funnier when I left "You must come again soon" (not her house!) "this is my address".

I found myself on the bus feeling a little bit broody. Thinking, maybe kids wouldn't be so bad. And then the panic and suppression of that feeling: I'll be a terrible mother. I'll never meet anyone and this feeling will never go away and I'll become one of those women who is so desperate for a baby I'll be trawling streets looking for the right sperm donor. (I'm prone to a little melodrama!)

Times of testing

'UNTIL THE TIME CAME TO FULFILL HIS WORD, THE LORD TESTED JOSEPH'S CHARACTER.'
PSALM 105:19
It's difficult to see God blessing others while you are forced to wait. But this is not injustice: it's divine order! Look at Joseph. His faith was being tested by the very promises God gave him. Can't you hear satan whisper: 'I thought your dream said you were supposed to be sitting on a throne. What are you doing here in prison?' But satan miscalculated. This only looks like a prison but in reality it's the birthplace of promise and the day of small beginnings. God has not changed His mind, so don't change yours! When He's going to build something great He takes extra time to lay the foundation. 'Jesus grew...in favour with God and men' (Luke 2:52 NIV). Allow yourself time to grow! When you walk with God your opportunities for advancement are regulated by His plan, not someone else's actions and preparation always precedes promotion. God told the prophet Elijah to go and hide himself by the brook Cherith (1 Kings 17:3). Before he could call down fire from heaven and defeat the prophets of Baal, Elijah had to spend time hidden away with God. There are some insights you only gain by spending quality time with God. God may not come when you want Him to but He'll always be on time if you wait on Him. 'No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly' (Psalm 84:11 NKJV). His delays are not His denials. He's never said anything He couldn't back up or promised anything He wouldn't deliver. So disregard the circumstances and stand on the Word God has given you!

The Word for Today, 6 Jan 2008

Our Deepest Fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Marianne Williamson

Walking on the water

It's so much easier to walk on the water when it's solid, when it's safe (as safe as ice can be - let's not push the analogy too far!)

It's much easier to step out in faith when there's no faith involved.

It's easier to trust in what we know, what we can see, than in what we can't.

Sometimes it's just easier to trust in ourselves than in God.
Even though we know we're not going to get the best because of that choice.

Faith isn't easy. Don't ever let anyone tell you different.

Top 10 Questions of 2007

Barbara's tagging all her readers with this, so here's my effort.

1. What did I learn? (skills, knowledge, awareness, etc.)
Skills - didn't master the guitar (back on my list for 2008), but got the hang of knitting.
Knowledge - a little something everyday.
Awareness - I'm a lonely soul and I need to make changes to deal with that, rather than acting out (again, on my list to deal with in 2008).

2. What did I accomplish?
I knitted a hat and a number of scarves. I sang a 2-line solo during the carol service. I put copy in a website at work - quite a big job, actually.

3. What would I have done differently?
Gone home before I kissed him!

4a. What did I complete or release?
My obsession with a certain guy was released from being an obsession to be able to develop into a friendship. Still working on it, but have released it in my mind.

b. What still feels incomplete to me?
Me. I still feel lonely and incomplete, but I'm working on it with God.

5. What were the most significant events of the year past? List the top three.
1. Springsteen concert
2. My first real preach
3. Turning 30!

6a. What did I do right?
I must have done something right as I survived 2007 pretty much intact!

b. What do I feel especially good about?
Still being able to grow.

c. What was my greatest contribution?
Trivial, but I made the company Christmas party go off with a bang and no complications. Not on my own, but a major chunk of the final organisation was down to me.

7a. What were the fun things I did?
Springsteen concert
Greenbelt working behind the bar
Lots of little things

b. What were the not-so-fun?
My friend moving to Cambodia
The affair, the trigger for me acting out in that way (a guy I liked rejecting me) and the aftermath emotionally

8. What were my biggest challenges/roadblocks/difficulties?
My emotions
My housemates (I've had about 7 or 8 over the last 12 months, currently have 4 - it can be a challenge living with that many people)

9. How am I different this year than last?
I don't know yet!

10. For what am I particularly grateful?
That I'm alive, God loves me and I have a second chance when I screw up!

Tag, you're it!

Post a comment if you get around to completing this.

Temptation and a door in front of me

If we don't have to wait, we'll never learn patience.
If we don't have to struggle, we'll never value that which we achieve.
If we don't have trust, we'll never have faith.
If life's too easy, we'll never develop character.
If we're never tempted, we'll never learn how to resist.


It's an interesting one this. We justify our actions by saying we'd rather regret what we've done than what we didn't do. But really? Would we rather regret the affair than not having tried and rediscovered love again? Would we rather regret not have that one last drink than having it and the consequences that come with it? I'm not saying do take risks, just don't take stupid ones. That's something I've learned.

But my point on this is that a guy I briefly 'saw' in November, who dropped off the radar and stopped contacting me because he's moving back to Turkey this year and didn't want to get involved with someone, reappeared over the Christmas break. He texted me Happy Christmas, which I (eventually) replied to (having deleted his number in a strop because he'd not been in touch). Then he sent me a text in the early hours of New Year's Day: "I wish I was with you now."


And there lies the temptation. Firstly the temptation towards pride and smugness - I knew he'd regret his decision and miss me! A certain smugness (along with the pain of my bruised and bumped head) reared at that. But the major temptation is to leave him be. It wouldn't go anywhere (OK, maybe I'm being too dismissive, so I'm leaving this over to God) and he's moving back to Turkey in a few months. But I could pick it up, carry on where we left off, a bit of a fling, some attention, the 'pleasure' of kissing a guy I find attractive and who (miracle upon miracles!) seems to like me too. But what would be the point? Short-term gain over long-term? It would just be because I'm lonely (which is how I've got into many of my man messes over the years and something I need to work on one step at a time).

So I've not replied. Is that cruel? Yes and no. If I keep up the contact, try to have a friendship it's just going to get complicated - too many pheromones involved to just be friends now. And I don't want to lead him on. Or put myself in the place of temptation.

So already one step.

And a door.

I'm thinking about changing my job. I've been there 3 years now. I think I've learned pretty much all I can in that role. I'm rarely stretching myself, unless you count fighting with the printer and Microsoft templates on a daily basis 'stretch'! There's no upward progression for me.

But a sideways move has appeared - a 6-month secondment in another department. It would stretch me (and that scares me). But it's a door. So I'll apply. I'll push on it and see what happens. And if it stays shut I'll push on the doors for 2 other positions coming up internally. And while I'm doing that I'll really push on some doors - I'm going to update my CV and sent out prospecting letters, not just to recruitment agencies but to various charities and NGOs I'm interested in and see what they have.

So early in the year and steps being taken! Hold on tight - this is going to be a bit of a ride!

Money, money, money

The plan for 2008 is to try and stick to a budget. I've done the basics: after all those things I 'have' to spend during the month (food, rent, utilities, charities, insurance and so on...), what do I have left to 'play' with?

Can I be strict with myself? Can I make my own lunches? Can I avoid Friday night in the pub so much? Can I avoid the lure of books, DVD's, clothes? Can I live cash only most of the time? Can I face up to my bank account regularly and put aside the 'spare' money at the end of the month and save it for something special (maybe a holiday as haven't had a proper one in over a year) rather than feel the need to spend it? Can I put aside bills money rather than let it drip out of the ATM in the months I don't have to pay the bills (only to find myself short when they're due)?

I get paid 15th each month. My budget starts then. Lord, give me strength!

Don't ruin the friendship

Idealizing Romance
... Many people who are 'into' romance (watch our for anyone who tels you that!) feel that friendship is a grade lower than a romance. Thus, they will attempt to develop romantic feelings with someone that they are friends with, believing they are taking the friendship to a better and deeper level. I had a friend tell me that she did this several times with high school and college friends. They thought, We're so close, there must be romance here.

Romantic relationships are not better than friendships. They are different and meed different needs. Do not get caught in the idea that you are missing out by keeping your friend as "only" your friend.

Boundaries in Dating, Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, Chapter 8 'Don't ruin a friendship out of loneliness'.

I came across this book when I was tidying yesterday (before the concussion incident), and as I was pondering whether to keep this book or not, it fell open onto this chapter.

I think I'm a romanticizer, which is why I get into so much trouble with guys. If I like them I must want to love them, and I often end up fancying guys and then falling out with them because they don't reciprocate. Because I do see friendship as a lower stage than 'love'.

So I've identified something to work on when it comes to relationships. Having friendships with guys without trying to push them into something more. Growing up in relationships. Romanticizing comes from my loneliness so I need to have that met through my relationship with God and through my friendships. And I need to find a male friend who can give me hugs every so often, because I miss that warmth, that strength from a proper hug. I'm sure this is why I love babies so much - I can give them a cuddle and nobody complains (as long as I know the parents!), and I get that human touch I miss from being on my own.

Yesterday I felt that acute sense of aloneness. Despite having friends who took me in, it was a bit of a desperate ring around to find someone who could take me to the hospital and another to give me a bed for the night so I didn't have to spend the night in hospital (all but 1 of my housemates are out of town and the one that is wouldn't come home, despite me asking if her and her fiancée would spend the evening at our place so I didn't have to be farmed out). I felt and acute loneliness, neediness and sense of the burden I was being on my friends, whereas if I wasn't single I would have had someone who (most likely) would been able to do all that for me.

But that's not a reason to chase after any kind of relationship. I need to be happy in myself in order to be healthy in a relationship. And see friendship as of equal value and not try to change all my friendships with guys.

Just a small step then!

Happy New Year?

Hope you all had a better new year than I did. What an excellent end to the year: 3 hours in A&E with concussion, then because they wanted to admit me unless I was with a responsible adult for the next 24 hours, and I didn't want to spend New Year's Eve in hospital, had to call upon friends and was passed from pillar to post to be 'looked after'. So I didn't get to go out.

Still, thanks to those friends who took me in - you know who you are!

My head doesn't ache quite as much as it did yesterday. Must of the bruising is under my hair, so not visible. There's a tiny bit of blue/black, but I can only see it 'cos I know it's there! I'm a little bit disappointed - after all that pain and trouble, nothing to show for it! Though, the bang must have jolted my sinuses as most of the pain in my head today is in them.

Still, Happy New Year everyone!