Temptation and a door in front of me

If we don't have to wait, we'll never learn patience.
If we don't have to struggle, we'll never value that which we achieve.
If we don't have trust, we'll never have faith.
If life's too easy, we'll never develop character.
If we're never tempted, we'll never learn how to resist.


It's an interesting one this. We justify our actions by saying we'd rather regret what we've done than what we didn't do. But really? Would we rather regret the affair than not having tried and rediscovered love again? Would we rather regret not have that one last drink than having it and the consequences that come with it? I'm not saying do take risks, just don't take stupid ones. That's something I've learned.

But my point on this is that a guy I briefly 'saw' in November, who dropped off the radar and stopped contacting me because he's moving back to Turkey this year and didn't want to get involved with someone, reappeared over the Christmas break. He texted me Happy Christmas, which I (eventually) replied to (having deleted his number in a strop because he'd not been in touch). Then he sent me a text in the early hours of New Year's Day: "I wish I was with you now."


And there lies the temptation. Firstly the temptation towards pride and smugness - I knew he'd regret his decision and miss me! A certain smugness (along with the pain of my bruised and bumped head) reared at that. But the major temptation is to leave him be. It wouldn't go anywhere (OK, maybe I'm being too dismissive, so I'm leaving this over to God) and he's moving back to Turkey in a few months. But I could pick it up, carry on where we left off, a bit of a fling, some attention, the 'pleasure' of kissing a guy I find attractive and who (miracle upon miracles!) seems to like me too. But what would be the point? Short-term gain over long-term? It would just be because I'm lonely (which is how I've got into many of my man messes over the years and something I need to work on one step at a time).

So I've not replied. Is that cruel? Yes and no. If I keep up the contact, try to have a friendship it's just going to get complicated - too many pheromones involved to just be friends now. And I don't want to lead him on. Or put myself in the place of temptation.

So already one step.

And a door.

I'm thinking about changing my job. I've been there 3 years now. I think I've learned pretty much all I can in that role. I'm rarely stretching myself, unless you count fighting with the printer and Microsoft templates on a daily basis 'stretch'! There's no upward progression for me.

But a sideways move has appeared - a 6-month secondment in another department. It would stretch me (and that scares me). But it's a door. So I'll apply. I'll push on it and see what happens. And if it stays shut I'll push on the doors for 2 other positions coming up internally. And while I'm doing that I'll really push on some doors - I'm going to update my CV and sent out prospecting letters, not just to recruitment agencies but to various charities and NGOs I'm interested in and see what they have.

So early in the year and steps being taken! Hold on tight - this is going to be a bit of a ride!