Idealizing RomanceI came across this book when I was tidying yesterday (before the concussion incident), and as I was pondering whether to keep this book or not, it fell open onto this chapter.
... Many people who are 'into' romance (watch our for anyone who tels you that!) feel that friendship is a grade lower than a romance. Thus, they will attempt to develop romantic feelings with someone that they are friends with, believing they are taking the friendship to a better and deeper level. I had a friend tell me that she did this several times with high school and college friends. They thought, We're so close, there must be romance here.
Romantic relationships are not better than friendships. They are different and meed different needs. Do not get caught in the idea that you are missing out by keeping your friend as "only" your friend.
Boundaries in Dating, Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, Chapter 8 'Don't ruin a friendship out of loneliness'.
I think I'm a romanticizer, which is why I get into so much trouble with guys. If I like them I must want to love them, and I often end up fancying guys and then falling out with them because they don't reciprocate. Because I do see friendship as a lower stage than 'love'.
So I've identified something to work on when it comes to relationships. Having friendships with guys without trying to push them into something more. Growing up in relationships. Romanticizing comes from my loneliness so I need to have that met through my relationship with God and through my friendships. And I need to find a male friend who can give me hugs every so often, because I miss that warmth, that strength from a proper hug. I'm sure this is why I love babies so much - I can give them a cuddle and nobody complains (as long as I know the parents!), and I get that human touch I miss from being on my own.
Yesterday I felt that acute sense of aloneness. Despite having friends who took me in, it was a bit of a desperate ring around to find someone who could take me to the hospital and another to give me a bed for the night so I didn't have to spend the night in hospital (all but 1 of my housemates are out of town and the one that is wouldn't come home, despite me asking if her and her fiancée would spend the evening at our place so I didn't have to be farmed out). I felt and acute loneliness, neediness and sense of the burden I was being on my friends, whereas if I wasn't single I would have had someone who (most likely) would been able to do all that for me.
But that's not a reason to chase after any kind of relationship. I need to be happy in myself in order to be healthy in a relationship. And see friendship as of equal value and not try to change all my friendships with guys.
Just a small step then!
No comments:
Post a Comment