Just one step at a time: Amazing grace

"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."
Luke 7:47

We're always hearing about the people who've strayed so far that it seemed impossible they would ever be found again. They're held up as miracles. And they are are. Nicky Cruz is a miracle. And God has used him in so many ways.

But I think we sometimes forget we're all miracles. I know I do. Our day-to-day lives - nothing outstanding, nothing outrageous. How often do we end up thinking we're nobodies? Nothing special.

And that can have a deep-seated effect on how we live our lives. If we think we're nobody special in God's eyes we can end up wondering what's the point? Have you ever found yourself thinking you've not done anything good enough to deserve God's love? And that you've not done anything bad enough to be one of those miracles? It's like Jesus says: the more you've been forgiven the more you are able to love. The more amazing the grace, the more alive you'll feel inside.

Because feeling dead inside is not a fun place to be. When you doubt your capacity to love, to feel God's Spirit, to be engaged with worship you wonder... Have I not done enough? Enough good? Enough bad? And because the good is the harder to do, the bad becomes more of an option.

If I think back over the last 10 or so years I wonder. If I think about the last 7, since I came back to church, I really wonder. What was driving me? Sure I'd strayed, but I'd not really gone that far. Not really. I'd slept around, smoke a few spliffs, but really, what had I done (I know I've over simplifying this)? I came back to church through the Alpha course. And time and time again, the miracles were held up in front of us as an example of God's amazing grace.

But those small miracles, those of us who'd just strayed away a little, weren't necessarily seen as miracles. And I began to wonder: what was I missing? God seemed so distant. I couldn't do the things I thought I ought to do to make Him love me more. I 'knew' I didn't need to do anything, but did I really know it? I don't think so. And I knew I couldn't be any gooder. So maybe I needed to be badder.

And I guess that's how I found myself waking up one morning with a married man in my bed. And he wasn't (isn't) married to me.

And do I feel any better for it? No. And yes. I know that to beat myself up about it for the rest of my life is to deny, refuse and cheapen God's grace and Christ's sacrifice. So I refuse to do that. I've dealt with this with Him. It is finished.

Did I find God in this? No, because I'd never lost Him. He was always there. All I had to do was turn around and there He was. It has changed my relationship with Him, though. I strive less to 'feel' Him, to 'sense' Him during times of worship on a Sunday. I don't 'feel' as though I love Him any more or any less. But what are feelings? They toss and turn on the waves of our emotions; they tumble in the wind of our human desires and wants; they come and go on a whim.

But He is steadfast. He is a rock and an anchor. Clichéd words, but sometimes they make the most sense. Life may still be stormy - and when you say you're going to let Him guide you, it becomes stormier still - but He is the eye of the storm, where it is calm. Life may rage on around me, but I know He has watch over me.