Gaining strength

I talked a lot last year about feeling lost, feeling disconnected with myself. I talked about maybe seeing a Spiritual Director, and started seeing one towards the end of last year. I also mooted the idea of counselling, and some of you gave me some excellent advice. Thank you.

It's strange, but since seeing my Spiritual Director I seem to have gained a strength I didn't realise I have. She helps me to see myself through God's eyes. She gives me space to be myself, think for myself and not hide from myself. She gives me space to examine myself - but not in isolation, not with self-pity, but with strength and sense. She's helped me to realise that my relationship with God isn't all about the 'fuzzy', but it's about the everyday, the ups-and-downs, and that I'm actually stronger than I think I am, closer to Him than I can see.

My last-but-one post talks about how I've realised that a lot of my acting out is because I've never felt 'bad enough' to deserve God's grace. I've also realised most of my acting out (which is always with guys) is because I'm lonely. But I'm starting to realise that loneliness is a state of mind and it doesn't matter how many people are around you. I'm embracing my aloneness and solitude and relaxing in it. I think I got so busy I forget to take time for me, to be me, and that fuelled the loneliness.

I've realised that I'd put my life on hold. I'll do this when I meet a guy. I won't do that until I meet a guy. But he might never turn up. So I'm just going to move on forward until God says stop. And if I happen to meet a guy on the way - Yay! Fantastic! But if not. Then God's grace and love will be sufficient for me.

Now that REALLY doesn't sound like me at all?

I've realised that some friendships are just for a season and that letting go of the hopes you had for them might be painful, but may be the best thing, as you only end up getting hurt when they don't live up to your (often unspoken and unrealistic) expectations.

I've realised there's more to life than my life, than London. That there are people out there who have something to teach me.

I've realised that pushing doors is scary, but that doors closing isn't necessarily rejection. And that sometimes you're pushing at someone else's door. I've learnt (in one situation, anyway) to be gracious and watch someone go off and do the thing I thought I wanted to do, and bless them on that journey.

I've realised that India is still on my mind, so am pushing the doors to see if I'm meant to go again. And if so, for how long. My gut instinct (which is ironic considering what the food did to me last time!) is to go in September for 6 months.

And I've realised that often I'm scared of doors opening because I don't know how I'll handle it.

And I've realised that clearing the air can lead to a good friendship you didn't realise you could have!

And yes, I've realised that I'm a complete idiot. But that's just who I am. And God loves me anyway.

[Image from PostSecret.]